Written earlier this week, typing it out now that I have a break to go online.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be. At the same time, so much easier.
Not playing games, is weird. I feel empty without the ability to waste time on my character’s virtual lives every day. Even though I was becoming frustrated by the wasting of that time, the just hanging out ingame because I really had nothing better to do. I still have nothing better to do. My life feels empty without the games and without the people I met through those games.
The self-revelation of that emptiness, is incredible.
Who am I when I don’t play games every day for several hours?
I’m finding out.
I’m hating it. I slip up every time I have to go on the net to deal with normal daily life, because technology’s become so intertwined with normal daily life now it’s almost impossible to avoid, even though I’m unemployed since I stopped teaching voice and don’t have to go online for work.
Distractions. Even in the middle of Occupy Wall Street, where there are so many amazing stories of human possibility, activism and change, all these are just distractions.
I’m trying to Occupy My Mind. Fill it with Myself to the point the protest is heard in my heart and my soul, to a point where some kind of Big Meaning illuminates it. I’m afraid there’s nothing under the emptiness but a shallow gamer chick who loves shoes and misses her friends.
How am I going to last 40 days? How many days has it been now, nine? Day nine. Wow. Here I am, already stir-crazy. Already wanting out. Already finding excuses to go online just to feel connected to other human beings. The daily meditations were tough due to illness, but it’s not like I haven’t meditated before. Just now, I meditate on things like “how can I help the world?” and “how can I reconcile my kinky self and my vanilla self and my spiritual self and my activist self and actually have prosperity someday to actually do what I feel called to do?” and then I’ll get distracted by wishing I could talk to someone or play, or run a dungeon and hope my character gets better gear for once.
Haven’t even been outside more due to this, just thinking a lot more. Enjoying the pullup bar my friend got me. Yay!
Funny how both the hobbies I love involve dungeons. Yea go figure.